


Devil Undone

by amandaithink



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Did I mention angst, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt Lucifer, Post-Episode: s03e21 Anything Pierce Can Do I Can Do Better, Recreational Drug Use, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-24 03:16:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18562801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amandaithink/pseuds/amandaithink
Summary: Post 3x21Chloe has said yes to Cain. Lucifer wants a break from emotions.





	Devil Undone

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on tumblr, but I decided here was good too  
> [lucks-eterna made this thing](http://lucks-eterna.tumblr.com/post/184351043313/hallucinogenics-matt-maeson)  
> I had a lot of feelings. This happened.
> 
> I recommend listening to Hallucinogenics by Matt Maeson both while looking at their gifset and reading this.
> 
> unbeta'd - all mistakes are mine.
> 
> I own nothing.

He didn't go to Las Vegas. Despite everything, he couldn’t do that to her. Still, he couldn’t stay. While Lucifer knew he would never be able to make himself actually _leave_ her, he definitely needed…a moment. Humans took vacations all the time. He made two calls and two stops before driving north with no intention of stopping until forced to, perhaps by a lack of further road. 

The first call was to the precinct, so that a message would be delivered to the Detective when she came into work. He told the receptionist he would be back soon, but ended the call without getting into specifics.

The second call was to arrange the purchase of a large amount of drugs. Even with his celestial metabolism he had no intention of being sober for a moment. He wanted to _forget_ this pain. Once he ran out of drugs, maybe that would be when he came back.

Lucifer’s chest hurt like phantom pains of Michaels sword running through him. 

It was _agony_.

The first stop was to Linda’s office. She wasn’t there - he knew she wouldn’t be. For her he left a note and two bottles of wine. Wine, as an apology for not calling her or texting her, for he knew that’s what she would want of him. Unfortunately, for once in Lucifer’s long life, he could barely speak. It hurt too much. 

The second stop, of course, was to pick up the drugs.

The stretch of highway cutting through Los Padres National Forest gave him a view of his stars that he hadn’t been prepared for. Looking at them through wide wet eyes, he screamed at the top of his lungs. The rage was short lived, and the effort broke him.

“What do You WANT?!” he shouted upwards, wanting his Father to hear him and for once _answer_. 

The stars pulsated and moved, but that wasn’t an answer. That was just acid. He snorted, gripping the steering wheel tighter.

“You know, I meant it! REMEMBER OUR DEAL?! I said I’d be the son You always wanted me to be, and You’ve still NOT TOLD ME WHAT THAT IS!” he kept yelling over the noise of the wind, though he found he couldn’t bear to look at the sky any longer. Lucifer found that it just seemed to drive the metaphorical sword even deeper. 

“I did my best with Mum, You know! It’s You who isn’t holding up your end of the deal! You were supposed to PROTECT her! Now she’s chosen _Cain_?! I suppose she could have only chose more dangerously by picking me,” and then his sobs turned into laughter. 

The road stretched ahead of him in the dark, and he kept driving.

* * *

By sunrise he was filling up his tank at a gas station outside of Redding. His phone had been ringing a moment ago - Lucifer had turned it off without looking at who had called. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.

Why had things _ever_ mattered? 

These were the kinds of questions he didn’t want to think on. Meant it was time to take some more drugs. There was a chance he wouldn’t have enough to make it to Canada. Then again, he could always find more. Lucifer had always been excellent at acquiring illicit substances. 

“Look at what it’s _bloody come to_ ,” he seethed, making a harsh turn out of the parking lot and back onto the highway, “the Devil not even strong enough to face _himself_.” 

Lucifer reached into the glovebox and took the first thing his hand landed on - ecstasy. That should pick up his spirits. He took the pills with a swig from his flask.

Lines on the road blurred as he pushed down the gas pedal. He just _dared_ a traffic cop to pull him over, _craving_ the conflict. For some human to try to impose their pointless laws onto him. As if imposing their emotions wasn’t enough.

“Is this my new punishment?!” his flung words at the wind, knowing his Father wasn’t listening. Getting no reply. 

The drugs started kicking in as he drove into another national forest. 

* * *

Somewhere in Oregon is all Lucifer would be able to answer if asked where he was at this moment. Somewhere in Oregon where he could not get decent whiskey, now that he had finished off the many bottles he had thrown into the trunk before leaving Lux. It hadn’t even been 24 hours.

Forgetting was a task much more difficult than he had originally thought. 

“Suppose this will have to do,” he mumbled to the check out clerk at the liquor store as she looked him up and down. Lucifer knew that look.

Her hair was too dark. Her smile wasn’t right. 

When he got back into his car the twilight sky left him enough light to snort something on his dashboard. He no longer knew what. Couldn’t be bothered to pay attention. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. 

As he drove onwards, not bothering to take his sunglasses off even when the night became black. For some reason, it all _still hurt_. Maybe it would never stop. 

* * *

He hadn’t meant to stop, but there he was. The bar had decent whiskey and he had no idea what state he was in anymore. Lucifer had no idea why he was playing the piano, or who had been playing it before he sat down. All he knew was that the fact he was wondering meant the drugs must be wearing off again.

His rendition of ‘That’s All’ went from upbeat to viciously melancholy. 

Perhaps if he was in the Detective’s presence his feeling in his chest would have _literally killed him_ by this point. There was no way a mere mortal could withstand this sort of pain, even if it wasn’t physical. 

“You know,” he told a waitress as he passed her, heading toward the exit, “it’s all my fault really. I never told her. Never showed her who I really am, never let her know how I truly felt about her. Then it was too late.”

He didn’t give the girl time to reply. Didn’t know why he told her all that to begin with. Of course it was true, but she didn’t need to know. 

* * *

 It was a purposeful decision, finishing up the last of his drugs - an amount that would have lasted him at least another day. Lucifer wanted to be unconscious. It was his final idea for escaping this _feeling_. Unconsciousness, however it happened.

He regained consciousness alone, in the front seat of his mangled Corvette. For the first time since he left LA, he was sober. 

“Well at least I have the Devil’s luck,” he sighed to himself, finding his phone undamaged and still plenty charged after being off. He ignored all of his notifications, just arranged a tow and an Uber. Apparently he was quite close to Seattle. 

Unable to ignore his call history, he cringed. The Detective had rung many times, as had Linda. He lit a cigarette before hitting call back. 

“ _Lucifer?!_ ” his therapist answered immediately. 

“Hello, doctor,” he tried to smile but found he couldn’t. Lucifer took a long drag in defeat. This call was the inevitable end to his ill-thought attempt at distraction. 

“ _Where are you? I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for days! Everyone has been worried!_ ”

“Oh, I’m sure that’s not true. It’s not as though it’s the first time I’ve disappeared, after all. Not as though my presence is particularly needed in Los Angeles. Plus I even informed everyone of my absence this time,” he scoffed, not about to fall into that trap. The trap of thinking that maybe the Detective cared that he had been gone, that she had _missed_ him. 

“ _Where are you?_ ”

“Ah yes, I was hoping you might help me with that…I’ll be in Seattle shortly. I was wondering if you might…help me to get home.”

Lucifer was not unaware of how he looked in his destroyed suit, unkempt from days without shower or sleep. Not that that would really stop him if he wanted to remain alone. The thing was…he no longer wanted the silence. His own mind left to itself was waging a civil war. It didn’t matter which side won. 

“ _I’ll be there as soon as I can. We are going to talk on the way back, Lucifer,_ ” she scolded him, and he knew he deserved it. 

“Yes, I know,” he sighed. He arranged for Linda to fly up and planned to text her further information once she landed. When he hung up Lucifer put his phone on silent and tossed his forgotten cigarette onto the ground before wiping the trail of ash off his hand. 

He missed noticing the small pains that meant the Detective was close by. 

“I love her, you know,” he whispered into the wind, knowing still that his Father wouldn’t answer and wasn’t listening. 

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah no I'm fine. Soul isn't ripped out of my chest at all. Denial is a river in Africa. 
> 
> Comments greatly appreciated.


End file.
